The Struggle of a Tired Mom

I’ve been struggling lately with exhaustion. And until recently, I blamed it on not getting enough sleep. Not enough coffee, not getting enough water, or leafy greens, or time alone. When I’m tired (and not just tired like after you binge watch a series on Netflix, the exhaustion you feel deep in your bones) I struggle with my relationships. Lately, I’ve been extra short with my children.

Instead of taking time to explain things to the boys, I snap at them.

“Pick that up!”

“I don’t have to explain myself!”

“Just. Get. Back.”

And the shame that comes after seeing the hurt in their little eyes makes me want to crawl back into bed. I just want things to go as planned and everyone to listen and obey. (Right? I know. In reflection, I know that I’M the one being unreasonable.) Children need guidance and learn from the example they see us walk out daily. Not from blindly following commands.

I finally took these frustrations to God this morning in prayer. Something that should be a first reaction, I find is usually a last resort when I feel like I’m barely keeping it together.

What was revealed to me is this constant battle for control I have in my life. This idea I have that if everyone around me to just does as I planned, then everything would go smoothly. But is it really my job as a mom to be in control? Did God design me to be a dictator to my children and husband? Do I really want my boys to grow up and just follow authority without question?

Of course not.

This battle for control I have is the biggest source of my exhaustion. I was reminded in John 11,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yolk is easy and my burden is light.

John 11:28-30
NIV

This verse came to mind while praying. That in this constant battle for control, I wasn’t taking my burdens to Christ. I was taking back the weight and the burden of my selfishness and sin, which had already been paid for at the cross. Allowing Christ to take control of the direction my life is going (even it’s in the mundanity of everyday life).

Instead of focusing on what I believe things should be, I’m praying that God will help me be present for my family. And for myself. To not exhaust myself with planning ahead or trying to change things that don’t need to be changed. To find the rest for my soul that only learning from God’s word and following the example Jesus laid out for us.